Only half kidding. Here are the facts: I've had dogs all my life. Everything from mutts to purebreds, Usually nothing smaller than a german shepherd, with the largest being a St. Bernard. I love them, but I am very clear about the lines between dog and owner, so every animal I've ever owned was well-behaved, didn't jump on people, didn't approach them without my allowing them...For as long as I can rremember, as a child, people would ask me to come and help them train their dogs.

Now I'm married to someone who is happy just letting the dog do whatever, whenever. It's a small dog, a sweet dog. I found her in 2001. But she doesn't mind, and when you try to get her to do so, she cowers. She does this because it's two different masters in the house. If she doesn't have to mind my husband, then anything I do is automatically resisted. It's frustrating. I don't like dogs jumping on me, and if I draw a line that says, "you can't come past this point," then that dog needs to mind (IMO).

When I was in college, I had a german shepherd, and I could walk that dog through the halls, have her sit and 'stay' and then walk away - out of sight- for 30 minutes and she never moved from that spot, and noone touched her, either. I love dogs, and I'm a good trainer.

 Now I'm just sour on the whole thing,because of the differences in caring for the dog. I'm used to having two dogs in the house, but now I don't want to buy one because I don't want to go through this battle of wills with my husband, not the dog. Yes, we talked about it, bought the books, watched the show, everything we've done, but the end is no different. My husband loves the dog whisperer, but for him it's entertainment, not instruction. And still he doesn't get that some people don't like dogs that jump up on them, watch them while they're eating. You should of seen how much I went through just to convince himt hat the dog was not to eat food from the table.

 I'm not really asking for anything, except maybe to hear if someone else has my problem. I've been wanting a yellow lab for a long time, but it's something I can't have, because I want an animal I can enjoy, not one I have to apologize for when he's around others. And I'm more concerned that if I do get another dog, it'll become a victim to my husband's ways instead of mine

KC

I know how you feel.  When I try to train my dogs, it feels like I'm wasting my time, because the other 5 people in the house undermine everything I do.  I work so hard to try and train the dogs, and they just don't care.  I tell them to never repeat a comand, if the dog disobeys, she gets an increasing correction untill she complys.  Then I will hear from another room: "Jazmine, sit.  No, sit.  I said sit!!  Good dog."  And then They give her a treat, which is also forbidden in the training program we, wait, I use.  It's like they don't, pardon my french, give a rats a** about all the hard work I do.  It's very frustrating. 

In my opinion, if you are not going to put in the time and effort to train a dog (or at least help), you should'nt have one. 

I'm with you! :)

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"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
On the 8th day, God created MARINES!
~Melody Cook

After over 25 years dealing with troubled children and troubled families I left the profession to – among other things – pursue a dream of writing and doing photography. However, old ways don’t end and I remain involved with children, families and dogs. Now I sometimes stop short in place to marvel at the similarities between training dogs and “training” people. I think anyone with experience knows that teaching dogs what they need to know is the easy part; the hard part is teaching people! Unfortunately, your problems are not about your dogs. (As if you did not already know this, LOL) I suppose that having dogs in a marriage is something like having kids: either you agree on how to raise them or you and your spouse spend way too much time arguing over them.

 

Ideally, the family dog recognizes every human as above him/her and responds appropriately. However, few of us live in the ideal world. If your husband does not believe in setting rules, boundaries and limitations for your dogs, then you are left as the only leader. This is a really tough place to be – there is really not much you can do if your husband’s beliefs/attitude toward the dog(s) is vastly different from your own, unless he is willing to respect your rules. And, sadly, from your post I get the idea he doesn’t respect those rules. Also sadly, I suspect that the issue with the dog is simply a symptom of larger miscommunication or non-communication between you. Is there any chance he would be willing to sit down with you (at a time when both of you are relaxed) and discuss what it is you both want in a dog?  Is he open to hearing why it bothers you when the dog misbehaves?  As you already know, the only way to solve this is by communicating your concerns and frustrations; however, communication has to be a two-way street.

 

I wish you good luck in trying to work this out. I also respect you for not wanting to bring another dog into the situation until you can iron out your differences toward dogs.

Well, you certainly are not the only one with a husband-dog issue - and I feel for you.

 Even though (or maybe because...) our big girl is extremely polite she's not exactly what husband had imagined and here goes the old story of human resenting dog, dog becoming unsure in the presence of said human which reinforces unwanted behaviour ... and it's all downhill from there.

Wife tries to counsel husband while getting dog back to stability, there is no immediate success so hubby resists, wife gets frustrated - end result: everybody unhappy.

Now he wants ANOTHER puppy that he believes will be exactly the dog of his dreams without understanding that he already HAS a perfect dog living with him - if only he'd give her a chance...

I believe the question here is: how can you get the whole family to be on the same page. How do you make two packs (husband vs wife, kids and dog) into ONE?

 

Still working on that part, any insights welcome ...

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"I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done." - Steven Wright

Slipping on my therapist hat for a moment: the key to just about every major decision in a family is communication. It doesn’t really matter if the issue is a dog, a child, a new job or selling a home; without communication, nothing is resolved and hurt feelings and resentment occur. When I was still doing clinical work with families I developed different “games” to help families learn how to communicate more opening and without judgment about important matters. The keys to winning at the communication game are: listening, respect, openness, listening, honesty and listening.  Get the idea that listening is important? The problem with inner-family communication is that we assume we know what the other person is thinking/feeling and fail to truly hear what they are saying. The better we know someone the more likely we are not to listen fully. You may “know” exactly what your husband/wife/partner is thinking and feeling; however, unless you listen with your full mind you really will never know what lies beneath their words. The best time for discussing issues of concern is when everyone is relaxed; there is adequate time and there are no interruptions. So, if you want to discuss dog(s) with your spouse or significant other (I love that term – lol) choose a time when you are not feeling resentful, angry, frustrated or stressed. Then share exactly what you feel and think without adding recriminations or placing blame. Most important of all: when your “other” talks, listen without trying to fill in the blanks, anticipating or judging. Yes, I know it’s hard and sometimes you get little or no cooperation from the other half; but, it really is the only way to resolve these things in a positive, relationship strengthening fashion.

 

Okay – now I take off my therapist hat and return to wearing my dog owner hat! LOL J

Wow, thank you for your great post, Carney.

At least it seems my "putting on my BIG ears" approach could be a step in the right direction. And there has been some progress that way - it took my VERY big ears until he found the words to explain why he resents the dog that he had hoped would become his best pal.

Maybe I should mention that my beloved is a three times Iraq Veteran and there are a few more issues involved... but here's the amazing part: The FEW times it actually worked, the few times our dog caught him "off guard" so to speak, the magic WAS there. I could see the two of them "click" just as I'd always assumed they would (it seemed inevitable to me, especially after reading about Cesar Millan's "energy" philosophy - those two must be a match made in heaven!) .

Never had thought they could end up with fear (dog) and resentment (husband) - I had actually anticipated that I would have to adjust my ways (Sheppie/Rottie experienced person with high energy vs a Bernese with low-medium energy) .

The dog and I adjusted beautifully (by me easing up a bit and her getting off her lazy bum to go rollerblading with me - now she actually likes it LOL) but it just shows again, dogs are always willing to work with you whereas humans are a little more complicated.

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"I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done." - Steven Wright

I have a very submissive dog and a very submissive husband... but the dog is also anxious and fearful of other dogs... she doesnt mind her manners around other dogs... so here I am trying to teach her her manners and my husband lets her walk all over him... she jumps on him, demands attention from him and he spoils her... same with the chihuahua... omg he said he didnt want any little dogs because of the way people coddle them....... he gave me crap the other day for not putting the chihuahuas parka on when we went out for a pee!!!

Ya I am working on my leadership skills with both my dogs, they are both actually very very obedient (even the chi puppy). but my husband is another story! you are not alone honey and dont ever think you are! lol

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Rachelle Shpeley's home for neurotic dogs

Are you sure you're not married to my husband?  We got 2 badly abused/neglected rescue dogs last year.  they hadn't been around humans for years & they were terrified. I finally started using Cesar's techniques and they worked . . . but my husband insisted on just using treats, wouldn't walk with them or set any kind of rules.  1 year later, these 2 dogs respond to me, but only approach my husband if he has a treat in his hand.  Stay firm with setting "rules, limits & boundaries".  Get the lab, and train it to be "your" dog!

KC, I am going through the same problem but with my soon to be mother-in-law. It is the most frustrating thing. She has had cats her whole life and one dog when she was ten. Ever since the day we brought Sammy (black lab) home, she questions everything we do and doesn't listen to anything we ask her to do or not to do. It has been four months and there has been very little progress. The thing that really gets under my skin is when she tells me I am doing something wrong; or when I am in the middle of correcting or training she interrupts by talking to him, or telling me thats not what you are suppose to do. She has done everything from waking up in the middle of the night to give him tons of treats, to letting him sit next to her at the table and actually lick off of her plate and not correct him. When she walks in he jumps on her, knocks her stuff out of her hands and won't let her move; she says "ok, Sammy, it's ok" in a very high pitched voice. Whether it is rewards or a correction its always a high pitched voice. She also feels a need to tell us all the time that he doesn't like dog food! She always feeds him table food; she will purposely make an extra platter of dinner every night for him, even though we don't let him have it. She just doesn't understand that dogs don't no when to stop eating and they will eat ANYTHING you give them. We had a really tough time walking him so we bought a head colar and she told us we shouldn't use it because he doesn't like it. Sometimes he gets on her nerves(with something I tried to train him with and she didn't enforce it) and she either gives him a treat or tells him to go to sleep. Them two things are her ways of I guess you could say getting him to get away from her. I could go on for days. We have had a very hard time training him and I feel it's because of her. Everything that we teach him and are consistent about she destroys by not following through and letting him do whatever he wants. My favorite thing is no matter what he is doing her way to fix things is give him a treat. One night he got all wound up and start running around the house and jumped up and nipped me and she said here Sam have a treat and lay down. She goes through a big box of treats in 2-3 days. Believe me I hate it and have asked her not to give him any, but she sneaks them to him and gives him 4-5 at a time. She says man those treats don't last long and we say that is because YOU gave them all to him. Another thing she doesn't make him do anything for the treat she just gives it to him. Wow it feels great to get this out. I might sound crazy but day in and day out when you try so hard for something and a person is undoing everything that you do that day it is very exhausting and frustrating. I have said a lot of things and I have bit my tongue a lot of times, what I started to learn through this is everybody is different and has their own way of doing things (I have known that my whole life but this really applies to this situation). It is hard to change somebody when that is what they have known their whole life, whether it is right or wrong in our eyes. So I have started to try different approaches. Just like your training your dog, you have to train that person too. It is very time consuming (and frustrating) to figure out what works for that person. I went the route of telling her what things were healthy and how much he could have. I find it is rewarding when I tell her facts. You said with your husband you have tried the books and watching the show but instead of that why don't you see if he would like to take a class where he would actually have to participate. I am not sure how he would act towards this but maybe have somebody else say something to him. Some times we overlook stuff that our partners say just because we don't think its that important or they say so much stuff that it slips our minds. I feel that when an outsider tells me something it really brings it to my attention and maybe it will make him feel that there is a problem for somebody to say something to him. Also has he ever owned a dog? Because maybe he doesn't know how to take care of one, or maybe he feels it is YOUR dog and he doesn't want to intrude. Almost like he feels that he doesn't want to affend you by correcting him or make you feel like he is over ruling you. He might feel that he isn't causing any harm. That he doesn't want or know how to get involved so he doesn't. Best of Luck to you! Don't give up, and try to understand why he is that way so you can help him.

Kristi-Lynn

PS- Sorry for blabbing and thanks for listening!

..... if I do get another dog, it'll become a victim to my husband's ways instead of mine....

Red flag! And I'm gonna put on my pastoral care hat, LOL-- but listen up. This is a boundary issue, and I'm said to be purdy good on those.

First, there is a difference between (A) having two different personal styles and (B) blocking one another's personal styles. Be very sure which you have, here, and in what areas (most folks probably have a little of both).

Remember that you can only control your own actions, not another's, no matter how much communication there is. Communication can help move things to a better place, but before there is can be effective communication each person must repsect himself or herself as well as the other-- and again, you can only control your own attitude, not another's.  

You may be able to negotiate an agreed way of handling the boundaries, but it is not at all unuusual for a dog to react differently to two different people. It may not be ideal, but we all have to live the lives we're in, not the ones we wish we had. This is not to suggest that you "settle" for anything, but to remind you that before there can be change there must be a clear sense of what the present involves. Sometimes if we accept those realities we can actually see change occur toward the direction we want.

Examples of dogs dealing with 2 styles

1. My MIL and other house visitors are allergic to dogs-- to their dander and their saliva, even just if they touch where the well-mannered dog has licked itself dry from the rain, OK.....  The dog has been helped to learn to read visitors' "not me" body language and can now distinguish whose body language invites, and whose shrinks away in non-invitation. (A therapy dog candidate perhaps.)

2. My husband and I have very different preferences-- he's new to dog owning and unsure, but presents strong body language, and I'm manifesting some physical challenges that our dogs may not read as weakness. So our differences are practical as well as merely preferential. We each "have" our "own" dog, but the four of us make one peaceful pack, because the dogs each suit us and because the respect between us is solid as we handle them a little differently.

Our two dogs are very different in personality, breed, age, and basic intelligence. Your dog absolutely can learn what you prefer and what your husband prefers. He's not the boss of you, but he is the boss of the dog you two now have, as you can be the boss of the dog you get.  And you are also the boss of the space you delineate around yourself as the pack leader of your own space-- THAT is the space you can control. IMO, that's where the boundary is.

So go ahead and start envisioning yourself managing your husband's dog. Cesar is a great hubby-whisperer, but until he comes to visit you, you at least can start on the dog. :~)

~Susan

 

 

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Don't forget to use plenty of paragraph breaks (and short paragraphs), to make your posts as readable as possible for this ole geezerette. It will keep me calm/submissive, too. :~)

Wow! What awesome replies!! Is it my imagination, or are all the replies from women? LOL

 Well, many good ideas and many who are walking in my shoes. Yes, this is a sign of communication issues, but for the most part, the dog one is the one that keeps me on edge. No, he's not going to change, and if/when he does it'll be because he wants to, not because of me. Unfortunately, that means I don't get the dog I want. Lab's are already a handful (ask anyone who owns one. Even after adulthood, they're still puppies for years after!), I don't want to bring that into house only to have it doing whatever it wants.

I wish I could get my hubby into a class. It would be helpful. So many people assume that small dogs don't need training, but anyone who's watched the dog whisperer knows better.

 Thanks for all the responses. I promise to visit more often@!

 

Kc

KC:

.... Unfortunately, that means I don't get the dog I want. Lab's are already a handful (ask anyone who owns one. Even after adulthood, they're still puppies for years after!), I don't want to bring that into house only to have it doing whatever it wants....

With the above quote, you program yourself for failure. Go back. Read my post again. And again. 

~Susan

 

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Don't forget to use plenty of paragraph breaks (and short paragraphs), to make your posts as readable as possible for this ole geezerette. It will keep me calm/submissive, too. :~)

Uhg!!! Im starting to really beleive that you shouldnt have a husband when you have dogs... especially when he is a recovering cat person!!!  Im trying to explain to him right now that if you are frustrated with them or anything else... if you are not calm... there will be issues.... he went to get the boys to go for a pee (they hide cause its cold outside) so he in frustration mode picked up our newest addition (a rescued chi) who proceeded to have a very large fearful submissive pee... first time in two weeks btw! so the hub put him in the crate!! GRRRR!! I try to explain what he did and he says **why dont they make crates for wives?** argh!

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Rachelle Shpeley's home for neurotic dogs